Why is it Orange?
by Grinning Lizard
Summary: My first ever challenge response, from the Thank God You're Here thread on DLP. Just a little crack!fic oneshot. Reasonably good response for it on there, so please enjoy. The premise: 'A confused Ron finds Hermione's Dildo'


_Sirius009's Challenge: A confused Ron finds Hermione's dildo.  
_

=:=:=:=:=

"Hi guys - " started Harry, before stopping nervously.

Ginny was in the compartment. Ginny... and _Dean_. Harry cleared his throat and with a forced smile he clenched his teeth, a stomach-monster threatening to burst from his lips.

"I'll - uh - I'll find another compartment."

"Nonsense," said Luna, who Harry hadn't even realised was there. "There's plenty of room. Budge up, Neville."

_Brilliant_, thought Harry, nodding a hello at Neville, Seamus and Colin Creevey. _A million witnesses to the inevitable escape of the beast from within_.

"Hi Harry!" said the Creevey and - great, Ginny's progressed from staring into Dean's eyes to staring into Harry's.

She smiled a hello. The stomach monster burbled.

"Hi - But no, it's alright - "

"What're you doing, Harry?" asked Ron, dragging two trunks up the corridor before peering in. "Hi guys!"

"Hi Ron," they chorused.

"Hands off my sister, Dean!"

Harry winced. _Shut up Ron_, he begged silently, _you have no soul_.

"Budge in then, Harry," said the sidekick. "Could you dump mine and Her Royal Highnesses' trunks up on the rack? I'm late to the prefects compartment."

Eyes anywhere other than Dean's hands, Harry nodded, grateful to busy his own. He picked up his own trunk and practically threw it on the rack over Dean's head, before grabbing Hermione's. Ron and Seamus were laughing goofily at something Luna had said about the weather - in all honesty, a perfectly sane comment - when he hoisted 'Her Highness'' trunk up and pushed it onto the rack.

"Harry - " Ginny tried to warn him as he turned. Though of course, at the sound of her voice, he turned faster... only to pull Hermione's trunk down on top of him.

He ended up on the floor of the compartment, covered in his friend's clothes and a healthy quantity of enormous books, the button-hole of his robe having caught the latch on her trunk. _Thank God she's not here_, he thought, hastily shovelling the bossy girl's spare robes, muggle clothes and underwear back in.

The others were torn between laughing and trying to help, though to their credit, Ron and Ginny were doing both. Still in a tangle of paper and cloth, a very red Harry avoided the former's eyes as he tried to fit the library of books back into Hermione's trunk.

"What in Merlin's name - ?" came from Ron, and one by one the others turned to him.

Harry did last, and wished he hadn't. Ron was holding a giant orange dildo.

_Ho - ly - shit_.

Ron was chuckling, which was by far the most peverse reaction imaginable, and he shook it to demonstrate its floppiness.

"Oh God," Harry heard Dean breathe.

"Why does Hermione have a practise wand?" snorted Ron, giving it another determined little wobble. "A really rubbishly made one and all."

For a moment nobody spoke.

"Merlin's Balls, Ron," Seamus breathed. "Put it back."

"Why?" he asked, confused but still smiling. A glint came into his eye. "I'm going to tease her with it - "

"NO!" Dean and Harry roared at the same time, but Ginny did one better by leaping at her brother.

Which made everything worse, because now Ron held a giant orange dildo above his head, the colour clashing horribly with his hair as it wobbled around, as Ginny jumped up and down in front of him.

"Hello Hagrid!" Luna said brightly, cutting over the screeches, and Harry turned to see her waving out of the window at a dead-still Hagrid, who was staring back in.

'What the fu - ' Hagrid was clearly mouthing as Neville quietly closed the blinds and the train began to move.

"_Give it to me, Ron!_" screamed Ginny, knocking him out of the compartment with a shove.

"No! It's funny!" said Ron, looking annoyed and still waving the dildo around to keep it out of reach of his sister.

"Well, well, well - if it isn't the blood traitors!" said a voice from the corridor.

Harry groaned, pushing his face into his hands, at the sound of Draco's voice.

"Shove off, Malfoy - _Furnunculus!_" Ron shouted, aiming the dildo at Malfoy. "It doesn't work - "

There was silence as Ron shook the dildo, attempting to make some magic come out of it. A low buzz cut through the quiet.

"Mother of God," breathed Seamus.

"Why is it vibrating?" whined Ron, holding the dildo to his eye.

"Because it's a dildo, Ron," said Luna. "It's a dildo."

"A what?"

"This is the best day of my life," said Malfoy.

"Give me the dildo," hissed Ginny. "Give it to me."

"Yes, Ron," said Dean, straining not to laugh. "Give the dildo to your sister."

"Why?" asked Ron, now looking angry. He waved the offending implement at Malfoy. "What does it do?"

"Well - " began Luna.

"NO!" Harry roared, shooting to his feet. "Ron - for fuck's sake, give me the dildo."

"I can't believe Harry just said 'dildo'," Colin whispered behind him.

"Is that Creevey?" Draco asked gleefully. "Do you have your camera handy?"

"Ron, I swear on all that's holy, give the dildo to either me or Ginny, then go away and forget this ever happened."

"What does it do?" Ron asked, his jaw setting stubbornly as he held up the vibrating toy.

"_It's for the vagina!_" screamed Ginny. "It's for Hermione's VAGINA."

It took the boy a moment, but as soon as his brain registered the fact, he thrust the dildo at his sister's face, promptly breaking her nose.

"Ron!" shouted Dean, standing, but Harry's eyes were on the dildo that was spiralling over his head.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S FOR HERMIONE'S VAGINA!" roared Ron, his voice carrying down the train. "WHY IS IT ORANGE?"

The compartment erupted in shouts as the orange dildo landed in Seamus' lap. He handed it quietly to Harry before pulling out a hip-flask.

"You broke your sister's nose!" Dean shouted, cradling Ginny's head.

Ron was still roaring, a look of pure panic in his eye, as Ginny's mumbled Bat-Bogey-Hex hit him in the face. He went down screaming as aggressive orange bogeys, the result of the bungled curse, filled his vision.

Neville was shouting too, but Harry didn't know at who. Luna had taken the hip-flask from Seamus and was gargling some of the contents. Draco was still shouting euphorically about the best day of his life. Luna passed the hip flask to a wide-eyed Colin.

Harry busied himself with packing the rest of Hermione's trunk at record speed, before lifting it onto the seat and, after some stealthy sleight-of-hand involving a foot-long orange dildo, closing the latches. Careful of his button holes he lifted the trunk and pushed it gingerly onto the rack before promptly collapsing, shoving his hands into his pockets.

=:=:=:=:=

After twenty loud minutes during which Hermione had fortunately not shown up, Ginny and Dean had disappeared to have her nose repaired in the train toilet, a traumatised Ron was having the botched curse removed by the Head Boy with a still-jeering Draco for company, Colin and Neville had fled the compartment and Luna, Harry and Seamus stared at whatever they could to avoid looking into each others' eyes.

Seamus, at one point, looked to be about to snigger, but quickly drowned it in the last of the firewhisky he had with him.

"I can't wait until Christmas," commented Luna airily. "The chance to catch some real Nargles."

Seamus nodded dumbly. Harry, comforted that the rest of the train ride would pass with less incident, patted the dildo that was safely back in his pocket.

That had been **far **too close for comfort.

=:=:=:=:=


End file.
